I've had my share of one night stands, but I've seldom had truly attachment free sex. I came very close once, in Berlin, with a Dutch boy, but he got all weird the day after --going on about how great my body was, all while acting as if I was suffocating him. It was strange. I think he wanted to be suffocated. Very nearly forgot about him. I'm glad I decided to write about this. We did it on a hammock, and then in the grass. He spread out his t-shirt for me to lay on. People were passing, out of sight, but nearby. He begged me to be quiet. I was not. Anyway, his weirdness played with my head a bit, and while he didn't matter enough to have ruined Germany, he did create some weirdo strings.

But it wasn't all him. I wasn't quite old enough to be so unselfconscious as to use a man for my pleasure, which is what we're really talking about here. A few years after Dutch Boy I had what was, up to this point, my one instance of totally strings free sex. He was a high school friend. I was horny, he still had the same number. It was glorious. I cared only that he make me cum. I couldn't give a shit what he thought of my body. I didn't want him to call. I felt no embarrassment or hesitation in calling him again. I was openly bored when he played me music or talked about movies. I only wanted one thing from him. It was perfect. If he hadn't kept trying to make me spend the night, I would have kept on with it. Now I sometimes wonder if it was as unencumbered for him as it was for me, but honestly, I don't care. That sounds mean, but I don't. He wasn't the nicest guy.

But I was in love with someone else, who loved me back. If I hadn't been, if my heart was single, could I have achieved this? I have to wonder.